Not Always What We Want (But Always What We Need)

Posted by: Josh Modert, Marketing and Events Coordinator | Monday, January 13th, 2025 (12:00am)

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. — Romans 12:1-2

I was hungry and cold, and the wind blew hard that morning as I climbed a dune on the coast of Lake Michigan trying one last time to get God’s attention. I was desperate, I had had enough. I’d waited years to hear from Him, to see something from Him, and I wasn’t going to take silence for an answer anymore. I couldn’t. I had fasted and planned, and I was certain something would change that day. It had to. My destination? A place called, “The Prayer Tower,” a space marked by a gazebo atop the highest dune on the Christian retreat center’s property.

Years prior to this climb, I took a chance and stood up for something I knew was right, and I believed God would bless me for it. To my utter surprise though, I lost almost everything as a result. My job, my career, my church, most of my friends and community. For a while I retained hope things would work out, that what I lost would be restored, and justice would come to those who did wrong. I vowed to leave vengeance to the Lord and move on, but year after year vindication and restoration did not come. I continued to decrease, and those responsible, continued to increase. Now, years later, my struggles had only multiplied. My finances, my dreams, my marriage, my mental health were all buckling under the stress and finally, so was my faith.

It was time, I decided. I would not come down from this “mount” until I had an answer. Overlooking the waves of the great lake I prayed for hours...sitting, standing, pacing, bowing, sometimes kneeling in silence. Sometimes I was begging, sometimes attempting to make deals, sometimes I bordered on giving ultimatums, like maybe I would speak out and take vengeance if the Lord wouldn’t. All my prayers came with the same theme, however: “Change these circumstances for me.”

When I had completely exhausted myself, I sat, arms crossed, in silence for a very, very long time. Jacob’s words from Genesis came to my mind and I said them out loud, “I won’t let go until you bless me.”

I believe I heard something up there with my arms crossed and the wind whipping my hair around. I should say, what I heard, was a thought. A thought that would not go away. A thought I did not ask for and did not want. It was inescapable and offensively short. The thought answered none of my questions, gave in to none of my demands, and it stated plainly:

Work on yourself.

“But God!...” ...I went on.

The thought remained unchanged.

“What about!...”

But the thought would not be moved.

After a haze of time, it became clear, God would offer me nothing else that day. So, I walked down that dune, arms crossed and dejected, all the way back to the car.

But, you see, he had blessed me.

I had never thought this trial would take so long or be so hard, and it had worn on me. I was now infected with bitterness; I had lost almost all my zeal for the things of God. I was certain the only way I would get better was if God first made my circumstances better, but what I needed was my mind transformed again, not my situation.

Without realizing it I had returned to living according to the flesh, seeking deliverance first in exchange for my belief, like the thief on the cross who cursed Christ. I had become much unlike the other thief, who admitted his faults, accepted his circumstances, praised God in faith, and humbly made his request. I believe that at any moment, all of us are living as one of these two: in the flesh or in the Spirit.

After that day of prayer, I resolved myself to being concerned primarily with the process of being transformed by the renewal of my mind. Should God had given me what I demanded that day I may have remained in the flesh. Instead, I was given a great opportunity to learn what I could not have in any other way. I learned to give when I had little. I learned to bless when persecuted. I learned zeal without needing a position. I learned to love God, trust Him, and bless Him regardless of my circumstance. I learned to rejoice in suffering exclusively because my name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life. I learned the secret to being content, and in all these things I’m still learning.

I do not mean to imply we should refrain from asking God to change our circumstances. In fact, He tells us to present our requests with thanksgiving. However, because this is not yet His Kingdom fully come, most often prayer’s greatest benefit is when it is changing us, when we are offering ourselves as living sacrifices to Him, to be renewed day by day. It is then, as the rest of Romans 12 describes, that we can discern and do His will, live in the Spirit, work together, be His body, and bring His Kingdom to earth.

As for my story, in time, the truth did come out. All I asked on that hill was eventually given to me, but when it came, I no longer needed it to be faithful. My eyes were more fixed on the finish line of Heaven. When we do this, we can accept what God does give us in this life and see it for what it is; an undeserved temporary gift of grace, a small foretaste of the promise to come, an aid station while we are running a good race with the endurance He has taught us.